SS#5 Being Called Boring
Relationship endings, being activated, moving on
Not long ago, a relationship ended with someone whose energy was electric—constantly seeking adventures, effortlessly social, and always wondering "what's next". ⚡️ In contrast, I've always leaned toward quieter joys: deep conversations, long dinners with friends and family, relaxing holidays…
When I was described as "boring", it stung. Hard.
Cue the spiral.
😵💫 Am I too predictable?
🤔 Should I be more outgoing?
🥱 Is life passing me by while I stay in bed with a book and eight hours of sleep?
Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming need to defend myself, "But I'm fun. I go out. I have friends!" It was giving "pick me, love me, notice I'm not boring!"—like a kid crying out for the validation of a loved one.
And that's because in part it was. My inner child and a lingering worthiness wound (a concept coined by family therapist Vienna Pharaon) were activated.
Indulge me for a second for some Psychology 101. Growing up, I associated love with accomplishments. Be smart enough, thin enough, social enough, and voila: you'd be loved. This "worthiness wound" became a quiet, constant whisper—Am I enough?
I would shapeshift and transform who I was, to get what I believed I needed.
As a child, I would get the perfect grades to make Dad proud and kept myself as slim as possible to earn praise. I learned to adapt to win approval. A condition I sometimes still perpetuate as an adult. Case-in-point: on the last holiday I took with this person, I stretched myself thin trying to match their energy. Nights out with forty+ strangers in unfamiliar settings, fumbling through conversations in a language I barely spoke, running on five hours of sleep, and skiing all day for days straight.
The result? My body staged a full rebellion. I got the worst breakout I'd had in years and an illness that hit me like a truck (and forced me to chill for over a week). My body knew the truth before I did: this wasn't for me.
And still.
I'll be honest—a part of be wondered: If I stay, will I become "unboring".
Admitting this lifestyle wasn't for me felt like a huge personal failure. Like saying, Nope, I can't hack it. I'm not cool, spontaneous, or high-energy enough. It felt like waving a white flag and confirming I was, indeed, uncool.
But here's the truth: staying with this person wouldn't make me "unboring".
(1) The fear of not being worthy of love.
The insecurity that "boring" triggered wasn’t rooted in who I am; it was rooted in my fear of not being enough. My choices, my quieter energy, the way I show up in relationships—they were never the issue.
What stung was the deeper implication that who I am, at my core, wasn't worthy of love.
But here's the kicker: you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone—especially not yourself. You don’t need to explain why you need sleep, enjoy chill nights, or value simplicity. ✨
In a relationship, you should always feel seen for the things you struggle and love about yourself (one of the four S's of secure attachment relationships). If someone saw me as boring, they weren't really seeing or appreciating me.
Ultimately, I had to recognize that my journey to self-acceptance and confidence—and finding the right person—was never about becoming someone else. It was about accepting myself fully as I am—worthy, whole, and enough.
(2) The boring label was never about me.
Boring is a judgement; a projection of someone else's unacknowledged expectations and insecurities.
When someone calls you boring, it often says more about them than it does about you. It reflects their needs, their expectations, and their limited perception of what excitement or fulfillment looks like. For some, joy is loud and extroverted; for others, it’s quiet and deliberate.
Neither is wrong or more valid. But when you try to mold yourself to someone else's version of "fun", you lose sight of what fills you up. For me, that includes ✅ eight hours of sleep, ✅ meaningful downtime, ✅ energy for my early mornings at work (collaborating with Europe's time zones is no joke); AND ✅ fun dinners with lots of friends and ✅ spontaneous weekend gateways. It's not some polished, boring "clean girl aesthetic"; it's just being Patricia.
When we twist ourselves into knots trying to fit someone else's version of "fun", we lose sight of who we are. 🤹♀️ And when we waste energy justifying our choices, we forget that our authenticity is our power. The key is honoring what makes you come alive—and knowing you're worthy regardless of how it looks to someone else.
And ultimately, you deserve to be with someone who respects and appreciates all of you, especially the aspects you feel most insecure about. Never let anyone make you feel any less than the beautiful and incredible person you are.
When you honor your own energy, preferences, and boundaries, you create space for the right people to meet you where you are. Because the truth is, you're never boring to the ones who really see you. 👀
Question for you for another Substack:
If you've ever found yourself questioning your worth because of a label someone else put on you, here are a few questions to reflect on:
🤔 What do you define as fun, meaningful, or fulfilling?
Take a moment to identify what energizes you. Is it the joy of hosting a dinner party? The thrill of going out and meeting new people? The calm of a solo walk? Pinpointing these moments reminds you that your joy doesn't have to look like anyone else's.
🤔 When you feel judged, is it triggering a deeper insecurity or fear?
When judgement stings, pause and ask: Is this about what they said, or is it poking at a deeper insecurity? Maybe their comment hits on a fear. Identifying the root can help you respond with more compassion toward yourself.
🤔 Are you trying to fit into someone else's vision of joy instead of your own?
Ask yourself: Am I prioritizing what matters to me, or am I bending to fit someone else's idea of what my life should look like? Living for yourself doesn’t mean shutting out others—it means balancing your needs with the expectations around you.
Indulge me for another second—these questions also made me realize that this might be a test. Last year, I worked hard to embrace solitude and slowing down. I intentionally wanted to create space for myself, and this relationship challenged that.
It was as if the universe was testing me—testing whether I would hold myself to the intention I set, or fall back into old patterns of over-commitment. It was a way to help me reaffirm the choice I made to prioritize myself.
💫 You're not boring if you're honoring yourself.
🙌 You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone, least of all yourself.
🕯️ The quiet moments are just as important as the loud ones.
🧘♀️ Your body often knows what's right for you long before your mind does—listen to it.
Musings sparked by a breakup, some introspection, and a whole lotta sleep.
Drop any thoughts in the comments!
One Totally Random Thing I'm Absolutely Loving This Week: With all this, I've been craving some extra time with girlfriends, and Alchemists Kitchen in Soho has become my go-to spot. Their Ayurvedic cacao is delicious and packed with stress-reducing adaptogens and heart-openers like ashwagandha and maca, which help soothe the soul. 🍫 It’s the perfect drink for giving my heart a little extra love while catching up with friends. Plus, getting their herbs and tinctures makes me feel like a modern-day witch about to go brew my own magical potion to heal and uplift (… or find my prince charming…). 🧙♀️ It’s the perfect place for some soul-soothing self-care (say that three times fast).